I wanna Do Chanukah wit'jew
I don't celebrate Christmas, I'm of a different persuasion
Didn't in the Phillipines surrounded by South East Asians
For me its Chanukah, my people's festival of Light
Not pissed up on eggnog, looking for a fight
And we don't do Santa, the man is frankly scary
And take a look at my Chanukah bush, won't see no fairy
But we still do the gifts, both the giving and receiving
Turn up at mine with nowt, guaranteed that you'll be leaving…. I wanna do
Chanukah wit'jew
We'll get jiggy in front of the menorah
I wanna spend Chanukah wit'jew
I'll have you beggin and screaming for more-ah
Every shop is full of goys buying presents of this and that
And every street is full of outlets selling mountains of cheap tat
So you can repair to your homes, you tinsel clad simpletons
Whilst I'm swathed in mink entertaining Val Singleton
But we still do the gifts, both the giving and receiving
Turn up at mine with nowt, guaranteed that you'll be leaving…. I wanna do
Chanukah wit'jew
We'll get jiggy in front of the menorah
I wanna spend Chanukah wit'jew
I'll have you beggin and screaming for more-ah
There's a reason for this festival but sadly I forget
I'm sure I saw a programme 'bout it on my TV set
My mother once told me whilst she was suffering from diptheria
'Bout a temple and an oil lamp way back in ancient Syria
So light the candles all in a row its time to get religious
Now add Hebrew to my talents, I’m so prodigious
Baruch atta adonai, now drape your dress over the chair
Drop to your knees, close your eyes and lets say a prayer …I wanna spend
Chanukah wit'jew
We'll get jiggy in front of the menorah
I wanna spend Chanukah wit'jew
I'll have you beggin and screaming for more-
Jewish for Christmas
As the year draws to a conclusion
There are Jews that don’t want no exclusion
In the Goyem’s Yuletide celebration
I think I’ll get me some Christian flirtation
Chanukah has served me well
But it ain’t no Mistletoe and Wine
Its a glorious festival of light
But I wanna sing carols like Silent Night
CHORUS
So I’m busy merging Christmas with Chanukah
All my family do it, even Auntie Veronica
I’m busy merging Chanukah with Christmas
Show me some courtesy and please don’t dismiss this
(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas
When it comes to the religious stuff, we’ll turn a blind eye
(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas
We’ll still invite Santa Claus, he’s just a camp Rabbi
(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas
I’ve got a 10ft Chanukah Bush in my hall
(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas
Its time for the bad taste free for all
I drink mulled wine from a ladle
Whist the kids they play with a dreidel
Cos I won’t be giving it up completely
Some things have gotta be done so discretely
Our celebrations are pretty subdued
So listen to this Showbiz SUperJew
I wanna get all Cliff Richard this year
I might even buy me a real reindeer
CHORUS
RAP
I got a 20 ft tree crammed up in my hall
Multi-coloured Santa that’s hung up on my wall
Got a tray piled up with gold leaf mince pies
10 glitter reindeer with illuminated eyes
Huge glitter Jesus and underneath
A massive green and purple bauble wreath
My table centre piece is a tinsel poinsettia
Schvitzing in my multicoloured nylon Xmas sweater
Pigs in blankets are a no-no
The Iceland prawn ring is a no-go
The sausage meat stuffing is a no show
But you can eat the turkey - so nice ya known
CHORUS
END
STALKER SONG - (from Beige! The Musical)
As I exit the stage door I can hear him lay in wait
I first clapped my eyes on him at Nathan’s school fete
He said he’s a fan and he’s got all my LP’s
And I asked of him kindly ‘get out of my face please’
Now he hangs off my railings like he’s a caged monkey boy
In a pacamac of orange and his slacks of corduroy
‘Please leave me alone’ I try to articulate
But he sends me his excrement in a box of chocolates
Remember the court order you have blatantly contravened
Stop pushing your face against my Rolls Royce windowscreen
CHORUS
I try to run and I try to hide
I try to shake him off, he’s there by my side
I hatched a plan to nail his feet to a wall
I’m at my wits-end – stalker hear my call
Cos I’m Lenny Beige!!!!!!
(THE STALKER ANSWERS)
MIDDLE
I love you Lenny, you’re my reason to live
For fouling in your wheelie bin, please forgive
I know you love me wanna keep me near
Look in at this voodoo doll there’s nothing to fear
LENNY REPLIES AND STALKER SINGS THE SAME BUT IN THIRD FIRST PERSON
I try to run and I try to hide
I try to shake him off, he’s there by my side
I hatched a plan to nail his feet to a wall
I’m at my wits-end – stalker hear my call
Cos I’m Lenny Beige!!!!!!
Pants for A penny (from Beige! The Musical)
As you sleep in your beds we’re setting up our stalls
For 4 score or year or more – I’ve been flogging ladies smalls
All over this manor I am known as the gusset king of Bow
I’ve flogged pants to everyone even to Status Quo
And if your closest loved ones are as fat as horses arse
I’ve got enough silk and lace to cover the Stratford Underpass
But remember in the market – there ain’t no place to change
So pull ‘em over your trousers, even if they might look strange
Well how about a g-string or chastity belt
Sizes for all whether fat or svelte
Cos a pair of pants can improve your sex
Take home a pair of fur trimmed kecks.
Pants for your penny penny for your pants – I said
A pants for your penny a penny for your pants
Well I was crowned the gusset King way back in 39
Back then me knickers were paper bags held together with cotton twine
Now I sell to royalty, I’ve made a pair for the Queen
I’d like to tell you her special needs but you’d find them quite obscene
From Tilbury to Bloomsbury
They come to me for Lingerie
Whether crotchless smalls or frilly knicker
I sell to dockers and city slickers
Pants for your penny penny for your pants – I said
A pants for your penny a penny for your pants
PORN KING OF SOHO (from Beige! The Musical)
So here you are before me
Your cap in hand once again
Ah it breaks my heart to witness.
The end of your sequinned reign
You have to hand it to me Beige
sat on my throne of shiny gold
Just look at my amassed riches
They're indeed a sight to behold
half a million was the figure
You asked me to lend you
Showed me your plans
For some cabaret venue
What’s in it for me I ?
How do I make back my cash?
Why give you my money
so you can make a splash?
(You wanted)
House band, cabaret
wine-style drinks
But it feels
Anachronistic
And it stinks
Why not
Use the space
For an ice skating rink?
I’m the porn king of Soho
Arch deacon of sleaze
Sex Shops, cinema
& live striptease
I’ve made millions from peddling muck
I’m A-moral, I don’t give a fuck
your shows are ole fashioned
from an era gone past
Your time has come to an end
We could all see it wasn’t to last.
the game is changing
On-line is where its at
An wheeler dealer like me
Must wear a different hat
There be HD
Porn for ALL
Of that you can be sure
On your laptop
Telephone
Better than before
Every taste
catered for
Niche and Hardcore
I’m the porn king of Soho
Arch deacon of sleaze
Sex Shops, cinema
& live striptease
I’ve made millions from peddling muck
I’m A-moral, I don’t give a fuck
So this venue that you want
The Talk of London I believe its called
II might take it over myself
Don’t look so appalled
I’ll be seen as the saviour
Despite my questionable ways
Because round these parts, They know
Sex, certainly pays
What I see
Is nudie dancing
All day long
Naked chicks
On Table tops
in sequins and in thongs
Snake hips
Shaking tits
To Whitesnake songs
I’m the porn king of Soho
Arch deacon of sleaze
Sex Shops, cinema
& live striptease
I’ve made millions from peddling muck
I’m A-moral, I don’t give a fuck
BROKEN BOURBON BISCUIT (from Beige! The Musical)
I met you, I am sure
One seventeenth floor
Of the majestic Park Lane Hilton
We chatted for hours
You gave me some flowers
And weirdly, a bag of beef Bilton
They got stuck in me teeth
Those sinews of beef
I’d be picking them out for days
I said ‘lets eat...
‘We can dine in my suite
Lets get to it... no more delays '
CHORUS
Now I feel like a broken bourbon biscuit
Unloved, in the bottom of your tin
A tired old crumbly relic,
Just another Beige-has been
2
You were my prize
The apple of my eyes
A juicy Cox's orange pippin
I used my cigar
To remove you bra
Didn't need any unclipping
OH Len, it felt so right
And I wasn’t being trite
Saying this love would be the best
But there were others
under many bed covers
But none so polite or well dressed
But I feel like a broken bourbon biscuit
Unloved, in the bottom of your tin
A tired old crumbly relic,
Just another Beige-has been
3.
Then one trip away
City break to Marseille
That jewell on the southern French coast
In the middle the passion
Your face it went ashen
You look like you’d seen a ghost
And with no remorse
I said this love had run its course
You’ll have to make my own way back home
It all ended in a flash
But I told you about the rash
It was being treated with hydrocortizone
CHORUS
Mid 8
I was just Another notch on your bedpost
Another empty hole in your sex belt.
You said it was me, there could been other
Now you’re with a woman that looks like your mother
And I feel like a broken bourbon biscuit
Unloved, in the bottom of your tin
A tired old crumbly relic,
Just another Beige-has been
30 Years a Beige
Hey - King of the Jews calling!!
Where’s it gone
this life of mine .....
A life sublime
Something so divine
Enriched through the anals of time //
or Preserved like tuna in brine //
Full bodied like a quality fine wine
Get up and smell me
Yes you can tell me
And make sure you use your phone to ‘kin bell me
Because
Im listening
Positively bristling
Feeling nachas like a Dad at a christening
And when you go home YES you’ll be reminiscing
This Beige widsom is something you’ll be missing
Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige
Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage
throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page
Hear me roar like a lion in a cage
Cos right now is the Golden Age
The Golden Age of Lenny Beige
Cos
There’s so much to More to life,
This old trooper’s has lived through the war life
/ Even married to that WHORE wife
Denise
Laughed like strangled geese
Honeymoon in Greece
Should have been great, but we got stopped by the police
Sgt Stavros and his mate called Maurice
Waited 10 long days to secure my release
And then my ‘bride’ Denise
Made love like she was deceased
stiff like a board
Marooned on a shore
She wanted Roger Moore
‘a hero from the days of yore’
So I moved on
Got my groove on
A brand new wig was duly glued on
Then / I spent a year with Susan
But that, that is none of your business
Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige
Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage
throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page
Hear me roar like a lion in a cage
Cos right now is the Golden Age
The Golden Age of Lenny Beige
Cos I’m a ladies man
A wham bam thank you m’am
Don’t come a knocking
if you don’t understand
not spouting no flim flam
Not quoting from the Koran
So go tell every man
That Beige has the masterplan
Still Staging shows at my expense
No real recompense
But as soon as they commence
The experience intense
The quality’s dispensed
As you watch // like a child at a fence
Gaping and in awe
At what you saw
The Golden Age of Lenny Beige (LONGER VERSION)
Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige
Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage
throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page
Hear me roar like a lion in a cage
Cos right now is the Golden Age
The Golden Age of Lenny Beige
You my dearest fans
I clap my hands
Cos you so understnad
I get that feeling in my glans
Cos its appreciated //
Like Grossman I’ve cogiated
As you awaited
My shows so highly rated
they’re sophisticated
intoxicated are the faithful beige crew
That stand in a queue
Come as from as Katmandu
ONe like a Paddington came from Peru
Came all that way to give me stew
Beef Stew for the this King Jew
You know what I’ve been through
But I do it all for you.
Cos I get into your bloodstream like / haemoglobin
Make you go crazy like a / light strobin’
weird like an aliens probin
the ladies are disrobin’
I Stick it in - a hole with a toad-in
Got famous friends including Josh Grobin
He bought me some jewllery for me ear lobeing.
So you’re welcome please
Just don’t get too close
not you you’re gross
if you do I’ll dispose
Or we’ll come to blows
When? Who knows
Before or after the shows
But you WILL get smacked on the nose
So give me my space
Not up in my face
Life ain’t a race
Its more like a china vase
Its brittle and should be cared for
take precautions and always be prepared for
the one with the stick on hair ya’ll
expensive tux worn like a prayer shawl
This is high end cabaret, not some two bit bar brawl
Its cultured / and it civilized
I’m turning like Nookie Bears swivel eyes
As I grind my hips n manly thighs
And from this mouth not drivel n lies
Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige
Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage
throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page
Hear me roar like a lion in a cage
Cos right now is the Golden Age
The Golden Age of Lenny Beige
My name is Beige Lenny
Hello my name is, my name is my name is Beige Lenny (X4)
All of my life I’ve dreamed of being top of my profession, made my debut aged eight, with a little sequinned vest on
Needed to free myself of my East End ghetto roots, was born with no shoes on – now look at my Gucci boots
One man said ‘Give up Lenny you ain’t got a hope in Hell’, now he’s got syphillis and works a fairground carousel
I went it alone and hitched a ride to Ipswich, then I met my wife but I’ve
Since divorced that BITCH
Every night after my shows there’s a screaming gaggle of fans, trying to pull at my slacks like a crazy John Inman
Frolicking around me like Bambies on ecstacy , can’t wait to sit next to me, but who to choose that’s the question that vexes me
I live a life of champagne cigars and caviar, driving round the riviera in my open top car with the
8 track blazing, Sammy Davis sings a song, I won’t play any techno – can’t be doing with Pete Tong
Hi my name is my name is my name is Beige Lenny x 4
I wanted to talk about my family in the middle of this rap, my professional life is marvellous, my home life is crap
Give me bagels, knishes – any Jewish food I’ll nibble it, cos my mother made millions from Kosher chicken giblets
She’s become so insane that she’s eating dog biscuits, I’d like to feed her Pedigree Chum but I just won’t risk it.
Now she’s got Alztheimers - thinks her grandson’s John Hurt, he’s not, he’s Nathan – a loathesome piece of dirt
This boy’s nothing like his father named Lenny – that little freak’s swallowed one ecstacy pill too many
I forked out loads of cash for his rehabilitation, next thing I hear he’s doing crack in Kings Cross station.
I wonder why my daughter can’t find the right guy, she really is quite beautiful despite her lazy eye
But she could have eye’s like Marty Feldman and I would still love her
She didn’t get her looks from me – they came from her mother – BITCH
Hi my name is my name is my name is Beige Lenny x 4
Willy Hunt is my tailor his clothes are made to measure, my favourite are my chinchilla briefs – underpants to treasure
I’ve been around since the hippies wore flowers, but who the hell is this new pretender they call Austin Powers
There’s only a few of us left – Tom Jones and Lionel Blair, but I’ve had two pages in Hello just about my freaking hair
That’s because I come from a tribe, we’re the chosen few, Marvel Comics have done a strip they call it Lenny SuperJew
There is no entertainer that can claim to be bigger, you can walk into Hamley’s and buy my action figure
Ali said that he floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, well Lenny’s got the tackle of an arabian Gee gee
I’m not so much round as positively spherical, but I love you more than Rupert the Bear-icle
So that’s me in a rap, sit back and watch the show that took about four minutes – 56 more to go.
Hi my name is my name is my name is Beige Lenny x 4
The Ballad of Lenny Beige
1
He was born a little after the war - in to a family so very poor
Here was a boy who’d grow up to entertain
His mother soon made some hard-earned cash and to the Norforlk coast she did dash
With her boy called Beige with the man-made stick-on mane
2
He won the talented tots competition - beating a one man band and a close up magician
He’d begun his journey on the road to riches and fame
He picked up a guitar and joined a band – With Ray McVey he toured the land
Then the boy called Beige got his break from a well-known Dame
He is Lenny - Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens
He is Lenny Beige Lenny a name more famous - than dear old Uncle Ben’s
3
It was Shirley Bassey with her hair on fire - said to Len It was her burning desire
That this humble player should sing in place of her
So he took the mic and belted out some tunes - here was a boy who was born croon
Then this boy called Beige also became an entrepreneur
4
With a string of clubs that offered food and show – well very soon they were the places to go
It was clear that Lenny would become exceedingly rich
Then he married a gal one April morn - but pretty soon he wished she’d never been born
And now the boy called Beige wont speak her name – BITCH!!!!
He is Lenny - Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens
He is Lenny Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s
5
Back in early Ninety Eighty One - he met a man who knew how to have fun
And together they teamed up as the hilarious Beige and Tan
Very early on in their career - they picked up awards and the audiences cheered
Although Lenny Beige only played the straight man
6
Well these fawny funsters were a number one draw- till Frankie tan was caught with a whore
And it took several grand to bail him out from the police
So they had to cancel the mediterranean cruise - then Tan confessed he was addicted to booze
Plus the Boy called Beige could see he was morbidly obese.
He is Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens
He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s
7
So Lenny Beige ditched Frankie in a flash - didn’t shake his hand because of the rash
And now Beige as you know him stepped out into the spot light
With the love of his fans all over the land – honing his act with his four piece band
This man called Beige was king of entertainment that’s light
8
For several years in London town he shed a tear when the curtain came down
Cos the shows he staged were the best thing in the West End
With special guests including superstars, they came by train and chuffered cars
And Lenny beige made many a famous friend
He is Lenny, Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens
He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s
9
So to Channel 4 and the BBc – They all wanted Beige on the TV
It was the best few years in all of this jew-boy’s life
But the good old days were coming to a close – and Len and his brother had to stop the shows
And Lenny Beige felt the cold steel of the knife.
10
In January of 2001 – the tax man came and did his sums
And what he saw put Sammy in jail for years
After a time in The Phillipines doing many things that were obscene
Beige came back to play - for his peers – and long may it continue.
He is Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens
He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s
He is Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens
He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s
That's (Beige) Entertainment
My penthouse view whilst drinking Drambuie.
watching DVDs of Hong Kong Fooey
Big Uns Ribs for some post show eating.
Love making on my Parker Knoll velvet seating
That’s entertainment
That’s entertainment
A weekend break on an island in Greece
Getting fitted for a stick on hair piece
Headlining gigs at a Pontins in Swanage
Private meets in leather shorts and naughty bondage
That’s entertainment
That’s entertainment
Canasta night with Tarbuck or Parky
Sushi rolls and jugs of hot saki
Meeting fans , But keep an eye out for the stalkers
mouth breathers spitting crumbs of beef and onion Walkers
That’s Entertainment - LOCKDOWN version
Quarantined cos of corona virus
Running low on toilet papyrus
Lying supine and consuming box sets
Or my old albums on TDK c90 cassettes
That’s entertainment
That’s entertainment
Listen up, you have to stay put for several weeks
But do your washing else your houses will wreak
Boris Johnson telling us its a lock down
But there’s still pricks in town centres in their dressing gowns
That’s entertainment
That’s entertainment
My larder shelves are low on edibles
And mother’s soup which is so incredible
So I Call Langan’s for my regular take out
Steak tartare and a lightly baked Freshwater trout
My own songs
THE BALLAD OF THE BALD MOD
Back in 79 I was a retro trend-setter
In fish tail Parker and vintage Lambretta
Seeing the Jam play live in the Hammersmith Pally
We’d ride to the south cost to a mod scooter rally
But as the years rolled on and I gold older
I’d feel the chilling effects as the winter got colder
Foxton kept his barnet, so too did Weller
But where'the hair go on this middle aged fella?
Cos I dreamed of being a mod
Since the time I was tiny
But a mod’s not really a mod
When his head is bald & shiny
Cos a bald mod He's just like Samson
Who lost his power with his hair
Cos a mod’s not really a mod
Without a thatch of barnet fair
Out of desperation I tried a feather cut piece
Bought as a Xmas pressie by my auntie in Greece
I wore it out to a party like only I could
BuI looked more like Victoria than dear ]old Ronnie Wood
In my purple mohair suit, and pattered paisley scarf
I look well turned out, now listen to my epitaph
That this head once boasted a crop of lustrous hair
I wanna to run my fingers through it, but there's fuck all there
Cos I dreamed of being a mod
Since the time I was tiny
But a mod’s not really a mod
When his head is bald & shiny
A bald mod’s like Samson
Who lost his power with his hair
Cos a mod’s not really a mod
Without a thatch of barnet fair
BACK IN THE GAME
(for Walk Like A Panther Fox Movie)
There’s an aching in my bones
Feel a pounding in my heart
Nostalgia coursing through my veins
Its time for this comeback to start
Pushing to the limits
Its a punishing ordeal
Its all or nothing now
This time I know its for real
Chorus
Cos I’m back in the game
People say I’m insane
Cos I’m staking my claim
And I’ll rise once again
Yes I’m back in the game
Holding you in a Nelson
Your feet stomping on the ground
Tie you up in Boston Crab
Take your title in three rounds
Now tell me, who’s the Daddy
Who’s the top of the grapple tree
I’ll body block your bulky frame
Its easy easy easy
Chorus (half)
Cos I’m back in the game
People say I’m insane
Cos I’m staking my claim
And I’ll rise once again
Yes, I’m back in the game
skin soaked by the rain
That won’t extinguish the flame
You’ll be shouting my name……..
YES I AM BACK IN THE GAME
Yes I’m back in the game
Body pumped like a train
Opponenents they will be slain
This phoenix rises again
Yes, I’m back in the game
skin soaked by the rain
That won’t extinguish the flame
You’ll be shouting my name……..
Submit to My Love
(for ‘Walk Like A Panther’ Fox Movie)
I’ll flick the wick in your lamp
Light the way to my heart
Dip your chip in my bowl
Then lick it up, boy, lick it all, every part
Then go back to the start
And Submit to my love
Scoop it up, suck it down
Its all yours
Submit to my love
On your back, on your front
On all fours
Every day every night
I’ll keep you coming back and begin’ for more
Submit to my love, submit to my love……whoa
2
I’ll shake the flake in your wrapper
Then i’ll Gobble down all of the crumbs
Now smear on my spheres
Your hot butter, all over my buns
Then reload your guns
And Submit to my love
Scoop it up, suck it down
Its all yours
Submit to my love
On your back, on your front
On all fours
Every day every night
I’ll keep you coming back and begin’ for more
Submit to my love, submit to my love……whoa
As you kneel before me
I see you for the plaything that you are
You are here for my pleasure
I’m a physical magician
my body an open exhibition.
My love - demands your submission
PRIMEVAL
I was born to a man but I feel like a beast
You follow me up the path of least
Resistance
Its inconceivable
Cos I know you thinking thoughts you wished you never had
About lying with me girl and me being so bad
I’m prime-evil
Yes, an animal
You and me girl
You know that we’re one of a kind
Why don’t you runaway with me
I am sure that your mother won’t mind
Its a jungle out there
But Baby I don’t care
When I’m with you
Used to be a misguided man
But took my head out the sand
And now I’m coming through (I’m primevil)
My eyes light up in the dead of the night
Don’t be scared, my bark’s worse than my bite
Love’s achievable
Cos I wanna trap you babe in my web of desire
And i need you here to fan the flames of my fire
You’re unbelievable - I’m an animal
Lets go back
To a time when they had too much fun (fun)
If you pull my trigger
Beware, I‘ll go off like a gun (bang)
Its a jungle out there
But Baby I don’t care
When I’m with you
Used to be a misguided man
But took my head out the sand
And now I’m coming through
I’m primeval
INST
Its a jungle out there
But Baby I don’t care
When I’m with you
Used to be a misguided man
But took my head out the sand
And now I’m coming for you
THE CROSSDRESSER’S WIFE
The crossdresser’s wife
She knew he wasn’t happy
The signs were there to see
After 20 years together
He deserved to feel free
Free to be himself
Relaxed in his own skin
His desires were unorthodox
Not some awful deadly sin
Putting on a brave face
Standing by her man
Showing him love and support
In the only way she can
agreed to respect her wishes
By dressing up once a week
Accompanied him to buy Lacey things
At that transformation boutique
But one day became three
Then the whole of the weekend
As a woman he looked implausible
But she didn’t want to offend
Putting on a brave face
Standing by her man
Showing him love and support
In the only way she can
But her man had a spring in his step
A newfound lease of life
And a whole new wardrobe
Now pilfered from his wife
The crossdresser’s spouse
Had given him a great deal
But she had to draw the line
At the 6 inch Laboutin heels.
Last of the Local Playboys
He dropped out of school At the ripe old age of eleven
Travelled with some gypsies to a resort down in Devon
The town shuts for winter But this fella’s always open
for a bit of Shady business and a whole lot of gropin’
Practices his moves, jujitsu in the drive
Does it in his underpants, makes him feel alive
Always with a woolf-whistle, ‘there’s one for you and you
Its a bit of harmless fun, What the hell is hashtag me too?’
Last of the local playboys
A big splash in this seaside town
He’s the last of the local playboys
A ray of sunshine as the rain comes down
He signs on five times under different identities
He’s a colourful character in a sea of non entities
He struts about like he’s got diplomatic immunity
His dog is a mongrel, defficates with impunity
Once upon a time he used to call the numbers
Back then he was bingo Dave, before selling apples and cucumbers
Jobs don’t last either, his work ethic doesn’t exist
He’s happier in the pub, holding court and getting pissed
Last of the local playboys
A big splash in this seaside town
He’s the last of the local playboys
A ray of sunshine as the rain comes down
Got a string of local ladies, he keeps em all waiting
Jan for Bingo, Monday, Jane for ice skating.
One he still sleeps with, but can’t remember her name
She knows he doesn’t know, but she continues just the same
Drives an ancient ice cream van but makes no Ninety-Nines
Speeds through the old town and pays no traffic fines
The law is an ass, and he’s riding it all reckless
His first wife went on record, describing him as feckless
Last of the local playboys
A big splash in this seaside town
He’s the last of the local playboys
A ray of sunshine as the rain comes down
Drinks his bodyweight in beer then gets angry then sullen
Boasts he once stole a watch that belonged to Jamie Cullum
He’s four kids he knows of, they’re chips off the old block
But two won’t talk to him, the others’ thinks he’s a cock
He’s retained his looks, albeit craggy and faded
But his constant chirpy outlook is a tonic for the jaded.
Spend some time in his company, you’ll get the measure of this man
He’s the last of the local playboys, This parochial Peter Pan
Child prodigy adult disappointment
just cos you do well in school……doesn’t mean you’ll succeed in life.
Know who said that? ME!!!!
Top set, teachers pet
leader of the upper school string quartet
brief case, train-track brace
head in the library bookcase
Exams passed, top the class
attendance record unsurpassed
Degree course , Oxford endorsed ,
Thats where they filmed Inspector Mose.
He was a child genius
But a fly got in the ointment
And this little young Einstein
Became an adult disappointment
There were females, far too much ale
Two years in - degree course failed
Ambition diminished, another spliff finished
Then he ran off with a German violinist
Shacked up in Bonn, became a Don Juan
There wasn’t anyone with whom he didn’t try it on
Wife became ex, kept bouncing those cheques
Every action had a cause & Disastrous effect
He was a child genius
But a fly got in the ointment
And this little young Einstein
Became an adult disappointment
Disasters loomed, more substances consumed
But had an idea which millions would consume
Eye on the prize, wanted to be idolised
Dreamed of retiring on a million dollar franchise
Work shy,, barely scraped by
An the place where he lived was a dilapidated pig sty
Dreams shatters, body felt battered
Self gratification was the only thing that mattered.
He was a child genius
But a fly got in the ointment
And this little young Einstein
Became an adult disappointment
Health got worse, felt his life was a curse
All his bad habits so hard to reverse
Felt so alone, cut off his mobile phone
Added to that, he put on nearly four stones
Suicide beckoned, that’s the answer he reckoned
When it came to life he came in a poor Second
Jumped off a boat, No chance he could float
Sank to the depths and that’s all she wrote.,
Inky Grandad
CHORus
My Skin is like leather
Left out in the sun
Every tattoo tells a story
of all I ever done
Some I’ve regret
And some I love in equal measure
So many were painful
but that’s half the pleasure.
This i got in Burma
And that one in Singapore
Those were made in HongKong
That one was bloody sore
Then on board a trawler
Met a man who inked another
With a needle in his fist
Drew this, of my mother
Two months in Malaysia
Where a catholic priest created this
Its Two bulldogs at A WALL
They’re HAVING A PISS
we dropped anchor in Japan
Land of the rising sun
I shacked up with a Geisha
Who inked this coloured one
Below this, a strange thing
Hard to see it in this light
But I got it after winning
an Indonesian bar fight
And, this one on my neck
She’s a former sweetheart
Worked in the Dirty free shop
IN the airport in Stuttgart.
This ones a favourite
Got it in Jakarta
Meant to be Muhammad Ali
Looks a bit like Jimmy Carter
MIDDLE 8 rap LYRICS
‘One & Only ‘ for Nicole Scherzinger
I’m premier league topping
See those eyes are a popping
Damn right - Top of the bill
show no evidence of stopping
I command your attention
Not beyond your comprehension
realise I’m really something
There’s no misapprehension
The times right, its crystal clear
We both know why we are here
buckle up - sit tight
Couldn’t be more sincere
I know what I want tonight
Ecstasy by candlelight
But do me the courtesy
Of saying my Name right
Alternative Version
I’m premier league topping
See those eyes are a popping
Damn right - Top of the bill
show no evidence of stopping
I command your attention
Not beyond your comprehension
realise I’m really something
There’s no misapprehension
I’m thrilled and excited
All my nerves - expedited
There’s High anticipation
As My passion gets ignited
You can ruffle up my feathers
In whatever kind of weather
Cos honey its like heaven
As we Conjoin together
For Sky Movie ‘Christmas Number 1’
‘Maximum Pleasure’
Turn the knob to the max And listen to the facts
That there words that Im singing
Bout pleasure I’ll be bringing
Fast cars, fine times
Hot love, chilled wines
And I;ll steal your heart
I’m gonna make you mine
Once I was poor from a dead end street
But I’m mixing it up- in the uppermost elite
And when I look to the future
Like a witchy soothsayer
I see us shining bright
On The topper most Layer
Alternative Version
First class down to St Tropez
Private jets, chauffeured limo, caviar all the the way
We’ll be dancing in the moonlight
Over looking the sea
DJ spinning our tune as you dance with me
Ill give you it all - that
Maximum pleasure -
like the seats in my Rari -
They’re soft beige leather
So sit back - and enjoy the ride
You were born for this life - that cannot be denied
For Sky Movie ‘Christmas Number 1’
‘Xmas Miracle’
We ain’t wrapping it up like some schmaltz by Disney
Don’t question it or we’ll be coming down your chimney
As you listen to these words,
You know they’re so lyrical
So tangible
yes we’re Praying for a miracle
Its a time for sharing some seasonal banter
But I’m far more real than some toy store Santa
Lets make it a time
‘ For charity and recompense
Things we need more than myrrh and frankincense
Alternative Version
Yes yes
Look at my garms,
Ani’t dressed like no peasant
I’m killing it, I’m smart
your greatest Christmas present
I represent the miracle you desired
More swagger than Santa, and more admired
I won’t Be twisting up the truth - I won’t give you no reason
To doubt me and I’ll spice up your season
You know I’ve paid my dues
I’ll say that in my defence
Let me shower you with gold
Leave out the frankincense.
Three Songs for Austrian project
Thank Fuck Its Christmas
A wise man - once said to me
What a time to be alive and to exist
He was clearly talking nonsense
Or maybe there was something that I missed
Cos this has been my worst year
I lost my job and I’m losing my hair
I was on course to being very very rich
Now i’m getting used to government welfare.
And when it feels like I’m pissing in the wind
I remind myself that I’m very thick skinned and
‘Thank FUCK its Christmas…….
Lets all live as one
Thank FUCK its Christmas……
Good joy to everyone……’
Cos my ex wife posted a picture
Its there on her Facebook and instagram feed,
Now all our friends and family
They’re laughing at me in my hour of need
And she visited me in the dead of night
I found her downstairs graffiting on my walls
I begged with her to stop it at once
But she looked at me and kicked me hard in the balls
I’ll sing this song now my chips are down
I’lll sing it to mask my nervous breakdown
‘Thank FUCK its Christmas…….
Lets all live as one
Thank FUCK its Christmas……
Good joy to everyone……’
The interest rates are rising
There’s monkey pox and covid and SARS
And strange smooth-faced multi billionaires
Trying to build a house on Jupiter or mars
But when its all looking very very bleak
I’ll hold my head up and I’ll shriek
‘Thank FUCK its Christmas…….
Lets all live as one
Thank FUCK its Christmas……
Good joy to everyone……’
Are You Having the Time of Your Life?
I was alone on the sand
Feeling hot, getting tanned
When I heard someone whisper to me
I opened my eyes
It was quite a surprise
A goddess walked out of the sea
She was tall , Had it all
I was completely enthralled
By this world class enticing brunette
And I answer to her
She just smiled and she purred
These words I ‘ll never forget
CHORUS
I’ll make you stand up
While you’re lying down
Whoa
Cos I;’ll ride you til the morning
Stop Yawning
You make me stand up
I’m still lying down
Check me out I know how to flaunt it
Don’t be shy you know I also want it
I will work you like a glove puppet
Use my hands - shove ‘em right up it
I’m having the time of my life,,,,,,,
I begged her to stay
She just smiled and said ‘Hey
You know that you cannot resist’
And it was all her conceit
To get between the sheets
There was no turning back since that kiss
There were moments with her
it was a bit of a blur
There were things that were totally weird
There was a tattoo and rash
I was suffering whiplash
And my hair down below had been sheared.
CHORUS
Yodle Dodle Boogie Man
Where I’m from, Its paradise
They’ll have you believe
Used to call it home
But could’t wait to leave
I boarded a plane
Never once looked back
And my life has so hectic
Never had to unpack
Is the life that I live
The life I’ve chosen
And before you ask
I’ve never worn leiderhosen
Chorus
So lets all get High
Get out of our minds
I’m the YodelDodle Boogie Man
I’m going all Night
Get out of your tree
So you too can see
I’m a yodl doodle boogie man
Come party with me
Went to the States
Arrived at LAX
Check in at the Chatueau
And I ordered some sex
I think there was a mix up
what arrived was weird
A lady wrapped in tin foil
She was sporting a beard
I called them back up
And said nothing was right
They said keep the bearded lady
You’ve paid for the night.