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I wanna Do Chanukah wit'jew

I don't celebrate Christmas, I'm of a different persuasion
Didn't in the Phillipines surrounded by South East Asians
For me its Chanukah, my people's festival of Light
Not pissed up on eggnog, looking for a fight

And we don't do Santa, the man is frankly scary
And take a look at my Chanukah bush, won't see no fairy
But we still do the gifts, both the giving and receiving
Turn up at mine with nowt, guaranteed that you'll be leaving…. I wanna do

Chanukah wit'jew
We'll get jiggy in front of the menorah
I wanna spend Chanukah wit'jew
I'll have you beggin and screaming for more-ah

Every shop is full of goys buying presents of this and that
And every street is full of outlets selling mountains of cheap tat
So you can repair to your homes, you tinsel clad simpletons
Whilst I'm swathed in mink entertaining Val Singleton

But we still do the gifts, both the giving and receiving
Turn up at mine with nowt, guaranteed that you'll be leaving…. I wanna do

Chanukah wit'jew
We'll get jiggy in front of the menorah
I wanna spend Chanukah wit'jew
I'll have you beggin and screaming for more-ah

There's a reason for this festival but sadly I forget
I'm sure I saw a programme 'bout it on my TV set
My mother once told me whilst she was suffering from diptheria
'Bout a temple and an oil lamp way back in ancient Syria

So light the candles all in a row its time to get religious
Now add Hebrew to my talents, I’m so prodigious
Baruch atta adonai, now drape your dress over the chair
Drop to your knees, close your eyes and lets say a prayer …I wanna spend

Chanukah wit'jew
We'll get jiggy in front of the menorah
I wanna spend Chanukah wit'jew
I'll have you beggin and screaming for more-

Jewish for Christmas

As the year draws to a conclusion

There are Jews that don’t want no exclusion

In the Goyem’s Yuletide celebration

I think I’ll get me some Christian flirtation

Chanukah has served me well

But it ain’t no Mistletoe and Wine

Its a glorious festival of light

But I wanna sing carols like Silent Night

CHORUS

So I’m busy merging Christmas with Chanukah

All my family do it, even Auntie Veronica

I’m busy merging Chanukah with Christmas

Show me some courtesy and please don’t dismiss this

(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas
When it comes to the religious stuff, we’ll turn a blind eye

(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas

We’ll still invite Santa Claus, he’s just a camp Rabbi

(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas

I’ve got a 10ft Chanukah Bush in my hall

(I’m going) Jewish for Christmas

Its time for the bad taste free for all

I drink mulled wine from a ladle

Whist the kids they play with a dreidel

Cos I won’t be giving it up completely

Some things have gotta be done so discretely

Our celebrations are pretty subdued

So listen to this Showbiz SUperJew

I wanna get all Cliff Richard this year

I might even buy me a real reindeer

CHORUS

RAP

I got a 20 ft tree crammed up in my hall

Multi-coloured Santa that’s hung up on my wall

Got a tray piled up with gold leaf mince pies

10 glitter reindeer with illuminated eyes

Huge glitter Jesus and underneath

A massive green and purple bauble wreath

My table centre piece is a tinsel poinsettia

Schvitzing in my multicoloured nylon Xmas sweater

Pigs in blankets are a no-no

The Iceland prawn ring is a no-go

The sausage meat stuffing is a no show

But you can eat the turkey - so nice ya known

CHORUS

END

STALKER SONG - (from Beige! The Musical)

As I exit the stage door I can hear him lay in wait

I first clapped my eyes on him at Nathan’s school fete

He said he’s a fan and he’s got all my LP’s

And I asked of him kindly ‘get out of my face please’

Now he hangs off my railings like he’s a caged monkey boy

In a pacamac of orange and his slacks of corduroy

‘Please leave me alone’ I try to articulate

But he sends me his excrement in a box of chocolates

Remember the court order you have blatantly contravened

Stop pushing your face against my Rolls Royce windowscreen

CHORUS

I try to run and I try to hide

I try to shake him off, he’s there by my side

I hatched a plan to nail his feet to a wall

I’m at my wits-end – stalker hear my call

Cos I’m Lenny Beige!!!!!!

(THE STALKER ANSWERS)

MIDDLE

I love you Lenny, you’re my reason to live

For fouling in your wheelie bin, please forgive

I know you love me wanna keep me near

Look in at this voodoo doll there’s nothing to fear

LENNY REPLIES AND STALKER SINGS THE SAME BUT IN THIRD FIRST PERSON

I try to run and I try to hide

I try to shake him off, he’s there by my side

I hatched a plan to nail his feet to a wall

I’m at my wits-end – stalker hear my call

Cos I’m Lenny Beige!!!!!!

Pants for A penny (from Beige! The Musical)

As you sleep in your beds we’re setting up our stalls

For 4 score or year or more – I’ve been flogging ladies smalls

All over this manor I am known as the gusset king of Bow

I’ve flogged pants to everyone even to Status Quo

And if your closest loved ones are as fat as horses arse

I’ve got enough silk and lace to cover the Stratford Underpass

But remember in the market – there ain’t no place to change

So pull ‘em over your trousers, even if they might look strange

Well how about a g-string or chastity belt

Sizes for all whether fat or svelte

Cos a pair of pants can improve your sex

Take home a pair of fur trimmed kecks.

Pants for your penny penny for your pants – I said

A pants for your penny a penny for your pants

Well I was crowned the gusset King way back in 39

Back then me knickers were paper bags held together with cotton twine

Now I sell to royalty, I’ve made a pair for the Queen

I’d like to tell you her special needs but you’d find them quite obscene

From Tilbury to Bloomsbury

They come to me for Lingerie

Whether crotchless smalls or frilly knicker

I sell to dockers and city slickers

Pants for your penny penny for your pants – I said

A pants for your penny a penny for your pants

PORN KING OF SOHO (from Beige! The Musical)

So here you are before me

Your cap in hand once again

Ah it breaks my heart to witness.

The end of your sequinned reign

You have to hand it to me Beige

sat on my throne of shiny gold

Just look at my amassed riches

They're indeed a sight to behold

half a million was the figure

You asked me to lend you

Showed me your plans

For some cabaret venue

What’s in it for me I ?

How do I make back my cash?

Why give you my money

so you can make a splash?

(You wanted)

House band, cabaret

wine-style drinks

But it feels

Anachronistic

And it stinks

Why not

Use the space

For an ice skating rink?

I’m the porn king of Soho

Arch deacon of sleaze

Sex Shops, cinema

& live striptease

I’ve made millions from peddling muck

I’m A-moral, I don’t give a fuck

your shows are ole fashioned

from an era gone past

Your time has come to an end

We could all see it wasn’t to last.

the game is changing

On-line is where its at

An wheeler dealer like me

Must wear a different hat

There be HD

Porn for ALL

Of that you can be sure

On your laptop

Telephone

Better than before

Every taste

catered for

Niche and Hardcore

I’m the porn king of Soho

Arch deacon of sleaze

Sex Shops, cinema

& live striptease

I’ve made millions from peddling muck

I’m A-moral, I don’t give a fuck

So this venue that you want

The Talk of London I believe its called

II might take it over myself

Don’t look so appalled

I’ll be seen as the saviour

Despite my questionable ways

Because round these parts, They know

Sex, certainly pays

What I see

Is nudie dancing

All day long

Naked chicks

On Table tops

in sequins and in thongs

Snake hips

Shaking tits

To Whitesnake songs

I’m the porn king of Soho

Arch deacon of sleaze

Sex Shops, cinema

& live striptease

I’ve made millions from peddling muck

I’m A-moral, I don’t give a fuck

BROKEN BOURBON BISCUIT (from Beige! The Musical)

I met you, I am sure

One seventeenth floor

Of the majestic Park Lane Hilton

We chatted for hours

You gave me some flowers

And weirdly, a bag of beef Bilton

They got stuck in me teeth

Those sinews of beef

I’d be picking them out for days

I said ‘lets eat...

‘We can dine in my suite

Lets get to it... no more delays '

CHORUS

Now I feel like a broken bourbon biscuit

Unloved, in the bottom of your tin

A tired old crumbly relic,

Just another Beige-has been

You were my prize

The apple of my eyes

A juicy Cox's orange pippin

I used my cigar

To remove you bra

Didn't need any unclipping

OH Len, it felt so right

And I wasn’t being trite

Saying this love would be the best

But there were others

under many bed covers

But none so polite or well dressed

But I feel like a broken bourbon biscuit

Unloved, in the bottom of your tin

A tired old crumbly relic,

Just another Beige-has been

Then one trip away

City break to Marseille

That jewell on the southern French coast

In the middle the passion

Your face it went ashen

You look like you’d seen a ghost

And with no remorse

I said this love had run its course

You’ll have to make my own way back home

It all ended in a flash

But I told you about the rash

It was being treated with hydrocortizone

CHORUS

Mid 8

I was just Another notch on your bedpost

Another empty hole in your sex belt.

You said it was me, there could been other

Now you’re with a woman that looks like your mother

And I feel like a broken bourbon biscuit

Unloved, in the bottom of your tin

A tired old crumbly relic,

Just another Beige-has been

30 Years a Beige

Hey - King of the Jews calling!!

Where’s it gone

this life of mine .....

A life sublime

Something so divine

Enriched through the anals of time //

or Preserved like tuna in brine //

Full bodied like a quality fine wine

Get up and smell me

Yes you can tell me

And make sure you use your phone to ‘kin bell me

Because

Im listening

Positively bristling

Feeling nachas like a Dad at a christening

And when you go home YES you’ll be reminiscing

This Beige widsom is something you’ll be missing

Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige

Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage

throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page

Hear me roar like a lion in a cage

Cos right now is the Golden Age

The Golden Age of Lenny Beige

Cos

There’s so much to More to life,

This old trooper’s has lived through the war life

/ Even married to that WHORE wife

Denise

Laughed like strangled geese

Honeymoon in Greece

Should have been great, but we got stopped by the police

Sgt Stavros and his mate called Maurice

Waited 10 long days to secure my release

And then my ‘bride’ Denise

Made love like she was deceased

stiff like a board

Marooned on a shore

She wanted Roger Moore

‘a hero from the days of yore’

So I moved on

Got my groove on

A brand new wig was duly glued on

Then / I spent a year with Susan

But that, that is none of your business

Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige

Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage

throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page

Hear me roar like a lion in a cage

Cos right now is the Golden Age

The Golden Age of Lenny Beige

Cos I’m a ladies man

A wham bam thank you m’am

Don’t come a knocking

if you don’t understand

not spouting no flim flam

Not quoting from the Koran

So go tell every man

That Beige has the masterplan

Still Staging shows at my expense

No real recompense

But as soon as they commence

The experience intense

The quality’s dispensed

As you watch // like a child at a fence

Gaping and in awe

At what you saw

The Golden Age of Lenny Beige (LONGER VERSION)

Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige

Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage

throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page

Hear me roar like a lion in a cage

Cos right now is the Golden Age

The Golden Age of Lenny Beige

You my dearest fans

I clap my hands

Cos you so understnad

I get that feeling in my glans

Cos its appreciated //

Like Grossman I’ve cogiated

As you awaited

My shows so highly rated

they’re sophisticated

intoxicated are the faithful beige crew

That stand in a queue

Come as from as Katmandu

ONe like a Paddington came from Peru

Came all that way to give me stew

Beef Stew for the this King Jew

You know what I’ve been through

But I do it all for you.

Cos I get into your bloodstream like / haemoglobin

Make you go crazy like a / light strobin’

weird like an aliens probin

the ladies are disrobin’

I Stick it in - a hole with a toad-in

Got famous friends including Josh Grobin

He bought me some jewllery for me ear lobeing.

So you’re welcome please

Just don’t get too close

not you you’re gross

if you do I’ll dispose

Or we’ll come to blows

When? Who knows

Before or after the shows

But you WILL get smacked on the nose

So give me my space

Not up in my face

Life ain’t a race

Its more like a china vase

Its brittle and should be cared for

take precautions and always be prepared for

the one with the stick on hair ya’ll

expensive tux worn like a prayer shawl

This is high end cabaret, not some two bit bar brawl

Its cultured / and it civilized

I’m turning like Nookie Bears swivel eyes

As I grind my hips n manly thighs

And from this mouth not drivel n lies

Cos I’ve been 30 years a Beige

Strutting my stuff on all manner of stage

throwing out riffs like a Mister Jimmy Page

Hear me roar like a lion in a cage

Cos right now is the Golden Age

The Golden Age of Lenny Beige

My name is Beige Lenny

Hello my name is, my name is my name is Beige Lenny (X4)

All of my life I’ve dreamed of being top of my profession, made my debut aged eight, with a little sequinned vest on

Needed to free myself of my East End ghetto roots, was born with no shoes on – now look at my Gucci boots

One man said ‘Give up Lenny you ain’t got a hope in Hell’, now he’s got syphillis and works a fairground carousel

I went it alone and hitched a ride to Ipswich, then I met my wife but I’ve

Since divorced that BITCH

Every night after my shows there’s a screaming gaggle of fans, trying to pull at my slacks like a crazy John Inman

Frolicking around me like Bambies on ecstacy , can’t wait to sit next to me, but who to choose that’s the question that vexes me

I live a life of champagne cigars and caviar, driving round the riviera in my open top car with the

8 track blazing, Sammy Davis sings a song, I won’t play any techno – can’t be doing with Pete Tong

Hi my name is my name is my name is Beige Lenny x 4

I wanted to talk about my family in the middle of this rap, my professional life is marvellous, my home life is crap

Give me bagels, knishes – any Jewish food I’ll nibble it, cos my mother made millions from Kosher chicken giblets

She’s become so insane that she’s eating dog biscuits, I’d like to feed her Pedigree Chum but I just won’t risk it.

Now she’s got Alztheimers - thinks her grandson’s John Hurt, he’s not, he’s Nathan – a loathesome piece of dirt

This boy’s nothing like his father named Lenny – that little freak’s swallowed one ecstacy pill too many

I forked out loads of cash for his rehabilitation, next thing I hear he’s doing crack in Kings Cross station.

I wonder why my daughter can’t find the right guy, she really is quite beautiful despite her lazy eye

But she could have eye’s like Marty Feldman and I would still love her

She didn’t get her looks from me – they came from her mother – BITCH

Hi my name is my name is my name is Beige Lenny x 4

Willy Hunt is my tailor his clothes are made to measure, my favourite are my chinchilla briefs – underpants to treasure

I’ve been around since the hippies wore flowers, but who the hell is this new pretender they call Austin Powers

There’s only a few of us left – Tom Jones and Lionel Blair, but I’ve had two pages in Hello just about my freaking hair

That’s because I come from a tribe, we’re the chosen few, Marvel Comics have done a strip they call it Lenny SuperJew

There is no entertainer that can claim to be bigger, you can walk into Hamley’s and buy my action figure

Ali said that he floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, well Lenny’s got the tackle of an arabian Gee gee

I’m not so much round as positively spherical, but I love you more than Rupert the Bear-icle

So that’s me in a rap, sit back and watch the show that took about four minutes – 56 more to go.

Hi my name is my name is my name is Beige Lenny x 4

The Ballad of Lenny Beige

He was born a little after the war - in to a family so very poor

Here was a boy who’d grow up to entertain

His mother soon made some hard-earned cash and to the Norforlk coast she did dash

With her boy called Beige with the man-made stick-on mane

He won the talented tots competition - beating a one man band and a close up magician

He’d begun his journey on the road to riches and fame

He picked up a guitar and joined a band – With Ray McVey he toured the land

Then the boy called Beige got his break from a well-known Dame

He is Lenny - Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens

He is Lenny Beige Lenny a name more famous - than dear old Uncle Ben’s

It was Shirley Bassey with her hair on fire - said to Len It was her burning desire

That this humble player should sing in place of her

So he took the mic and belted out some tunes - here was a boy who was born croon

Then this boy called Beige also became an entrepreneur

With a string of clubs that offered food and show – well very soon they were the places to go

It was clear that Lenny would become exceedingly rich

Then he married a gal one April morn - but pretty soon he wished she’d never been born

And now the boy called Beige wont speak her name – BITCH!!!!

He is Lenny - Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens

He is Lenny Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s

Back in early Ninety Eighty One - he met a man who knew how to have fun

And together they teamed up as the hilarious Beige and Tan

Very early on in their career - they picked up awards and the audiences cheered

Although Lenny Beige only played the straight man

Well these fawny funsters were a number one draw- till Frankie tan was caught with a whore

And it took several grand to bail him out from the police

So they had to cancel the mediterranean cruise - then Tan confessed he was addicted to booze

Plus the Boy called Beige could see he was morbidly obese.

He is Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens

He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s

So Lenny Beige ditched Frankie in a flash - didn’t shake his hand because of the rash

And now Beige as you know him stepped out into the spot light

With the love of his fans all over the land – honing his act with his four piece band

This man called Beige was king of entertainment that’s light

For several years in London town he shed a tear when the curtain came down

Cos the shows he staged were the best thing in the West End

With special guests including superstars, they came by train and chuffered cars

And Lenny beige made many a famous friend

He is Lenny, Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens

He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s

So to Channel 4 and the BBc – They all wanted Beige on the TV

It was the best few years in all of this jew-boy’s life

But the good old days were coming to a close – and Len and his brother had to stop the shows

And Lenny Beige felt the cold steel of the knife.

In January of 2001 – the tax man came and did his sums

And what he saw put Sammy in jail for years

After a time in The Phillipines doing many things that were obscene

Beige came back to play - for his peers – and long may it continue.

He is Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens

He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s

He is Beige Lenny, a name that’s know from Finchley to the Fens

He is Beige Lenny a name more famous than dear old Uncle Ben’s

That's (Beige) Entertainment

My penthouse view whilst drinking Drambuie.

watching DVDs of Hong Kong Fooey

Big Uns Ribs for some post show eating.

Love making on my Parker Knoll velvet seating

That’s entertainment

A weekend break on an island in Greece

Getting fitted for a stick on hair piece

Headlining gigs at a Pontins in Swanage

Private meets in leather shorts and naughty bondage

That’s entertainment

Canasta night with Tarbuck or Parky

Sushi rolls and jugs of hot saki

Meeting fans , But keep an eye out for the stalkers

mouth breathers spitting crumbs of beef and onion Walkers

That’s Entertainment - LOCKDOWN version

Quarantined cos of corona virus

Running low on toilet papyrus

Lying supine and consuming box sets

Or my old albums on TDK c90 cassettes

That’s entertainment

Listen up, you have to stay put for several weeks

But do your washing else your houses will wreak

Boris Johnson telling us its a lock down

But there’s still pricks in town centres in their dressing gowns

That’s entertainment

My larder shelves are low on edibles

And mother’s soup which is so incredible

So I Call Langan’s for my regular take out

Steak tartare and a lightly baked Freshwater trout

My own songs

THE BALLAD OF THE BALD MOD

Back in 79 I was a retro trend-setter

In fish tail Parker and vintage Lambretta

Seeing the Jam play live in the Hammersmith Pally

We’d ride to the south cost to a mod scooter rally

But as the years rolled on and I gold older

I’d feel the chilling effects as the winter got colder

Foxton kept his barnet, so too did Weller

But where'the hair go on this middle aged fella?

Cos I dreamed of being a mod

Since the time I was tiny

But a mod’s not really a mod

When his head is bald & shiny

Cos a bald mod He's just like Samson

Who lost his power with his hair

Cos a mod’s not really a mod

Without a thatch of barnet fair

Out of desperation I tried a feather cut piece

Bought as a Xmas pressie by my auntie in Greece

I wore it out to a party like only I could

BuI looked more like Victoria than dear ]old Ronnie Wood

In my purple mohair suit, and pattered paisley scarf

I look well turned out, now listen to my epitaph

That this head once boasted a crop of lustrous hair

I wanna to run my fingers through it, but there's fuck all there

Cos I dreamed of being a mod

Since the time I was tiny

But a mod’s not really a mod

When his head is bald & shiny

A bald mod’s like Samson

Who lost his power with his hair

Cos a mod’s not really a mod

Without a thatch of barnet fair

BACK IN THE GAME

(for Walk Like A Panther Fox Movie)

There’s an aching in my bones

Feel a pounding in my heart

Nostalgia coursing through my veins

Its time for this comeback to start

Pushing to the limits

Its a punishing ordeal

Its all or nothing now

This time I know its for real

Chorus

Cos I’m back in the game

People say I’m insane

Cos I’m staking my claim

And I’ll rise once again

Yes I’m back in the game

Holding you in a Nelson

Your feet stomping on the ground

Tie you up in Boston Crab

Take your title in three rounds

Now tell me, who’s the Daddy

Who’s the top of the grapple tree

I’ll body block your bulky frame

Its easy easy easy

Chorus (half)

Cos I’m back in the game

People say I’m insane

Cos I’m staking my claim

And I’ll rise once again

Yes, I’m back in the game

skin soaked by the rain

That won’t extinguish the flame

You’ll be shouting my name……..

YES I AM BACK IN THE GAME

Yes I’m back in the game

Body pumped like a train

Opponenents they will be slain

This phoenix rises again

Yes, I’m back in the game

skin soaked by the rain

That won’t extinguish the flame

You’ll be shouting my name……..

Submit to My Love

(for ‘Walk Like A Panther’ Fox Movie)

I’ll flick the wick in your lamp

Light the way to my heart

Dip your chip in my bowl

Then lick it up, boy, lick it all, every part

Then go back to the start

And Submit to my love

Scoop it up, suck it down

Its all yours

Submit to my love

On your back, on your front

On all fours

Every day every night

I’ll keep you coming back and begin’ for more

Submit to my love, submit to my love……whoa

I’ll shake the flake in your wrapper

Then i’ll Gobble down all of the crumbs

Now smear on my spheres

Your hot butter, all over my buns

Then reload your guns

And Submit to my love

Scoop it up, suck it down

Its all yours

Submit to my love

On your back, on your front

On all fours

Every day every night

I’ll keep you coming back and begin’ for more

Submit to my love, submit to my love……whoa

As you kneel before me

I see you for the plaything that you are

You are here for my pleasure

I’m a physical magician

my body an open exhibition.

My love - demands your submission

PRIMEVAL

I was born to a man but I feel like a beast

You follow me up the path of least

Resistance

Its inconceivable

Cos I know you thinking thoughts you wished you never had

About lying with me girl and me being so bad

I’m prime-evil

Yes, an animal

You and me girl

You know that we’re one of a kind

Why don’t you runaway with me

I am sure that your mother won’t mind

Its a jungle out there

But Baby I don’t care

When I’m with you

Used to be a misguided man

But took my head out the sand

And now I’m coming through (I’m primevil)

My eyes light up in the dead of the night

Don’t be scared, my bark’s worse than my bite

Love’s achievable

Cos I wanna trap you babe in my web of desire

And i need you here to fan the flames of my fire

You’re unbelievable - I’m an animal

Lets go back

To a time when they had too much fun (fun)

If you pull my trigger

Beware, I‘ll go off like a gun (bang)

Its a jungle out there

But Baby I don’t care

When I’m with you

Used to be a misguided man

But took my head out the sand

And now I’m coming through

I’m primeval

INST

Its a jungle out there

But Baby I don’t care

When I’m with you

Used to be a misguided man

But took my head out the sand

And now I’m coming for you

THE CROSSDRESSER’S WIFE

The crossdresser’s wife

She knew he wasn’t happy

The signs were there to see

After 20 years together

He deserved to feel free

Free to be himself

Relaxed in his own skin

His desires were unorthodox

Not some awful deadly sin

Putting on a brave face

Standing by her man

Showing him love and support

In the only way she can

agreed to respect her wishes

By dressing up once a week

Accompanied him to buy Lacey things

At that transformation boutique

But one day became three

Then the whole of the weekend

As a woman he looked implausible

But she didn’t want to offend

Putting on a brave face

Standing by her man

Showing him love and support

In the only way she can

But her man had a spring in his step

A newfound lease of life

And a whole new wardrobe

Now pilfered from his wife

The crossdresser’s spouse

Had given him a great deal

But she had to draw the line

At the 6 inch Laboutin heels.

Last of the Local Playboys

He dropped out of school At the ripe old age of eleven

Travelled with some gypsies to a resort down in Devon

The town shuts for winter But this fella’s always open

for a bit of Shady business and a whole lot of gropin’

Practices his moves, jujitsu in the drive

Does it in his underpants, makes him feel alive

Always with a woolf-whistle, ‘there’s one for you and you

Its a bit of harmless fun, What the hell is hashtag me too?’

Last of the local playboys

A big splash in this seaside town

He’s the last of the local playboys

A ray of sunshine as the rain comes down

He signs on five times under different identities

He’s a colourful character in a sea of non entities

He struts about like he’s got diplomatic immunity

His dog is a mongrel, defficates with impunity

Once upon a time he used to call the numbers

Back then he was bingo Dave, before selling apples and cucumbers

Jobs don’t last either, his work ethic doesn’t exist

He’s happier in the pub, holding court and getting pissed

Last of the local playboys

A big splash in this seaside town

He’s the last of the local playboys

A ray of sunshine as the rain comes down

Got a string of local ladies, he keeps em all waiting

Jan for Bingo, Monday, Jane for ice skating.

One he still sleeps with, but can’t remember her name

She knows he doesn’t know, but she continues just the same

Drives an ancient ice cream van but makes no Ninety-Nines

Speeds through the old town and pays no traffic fines

The law is an ass, and he’s riding it all reckless

His first wife went on record, describing him as feckless

Last of the local playboys

A big splash in this seaside town

He’s the last of the local playboys

A ray of sunshine as the rain comes down

Drinks his bodyweight in beer then gets angry then sullen

Boasts he once stole a watch that belonged to Jamie Cullum

He’s four kids he knows of, they’re chips off the old block

But two won’t talk to him, the others’ thinks he’s a cock

He’s retained his looks, albeit craggy and faded

But his constant chirpy outlook is a tonic for the jaded.

Spend some time in his company, you’ll get the measure of this man

He’s the last of the local playboys, This parochial Peter Pan

Child prodigy adult disappointment

just cos you do well in school……doesn’t mean you’ll succeed in life.

Know who said that? ME!!!!

Top set, teachers pet

leader of the upper school string quartet

brief case, train-track brace

head in the library bookcase

Exams passed, top the class

attendance record unsurpassed

Degree course , Oxford endorsed ,

Thats where they filmed Inspector Mose.

He was a child genius

But a fly got in the ointment

And this little young Einstein

Became an adult disappointment

There were females, far too much ale

Two years in - degree course failed

Ambition diminished, another spliff finished

Then he ran off with a German violinist

Shacked up in Bonn, became a Don Juan

There wasn’t anyone with whom he didn’t try it on

Wife became ex, kept bouncing those cheques

Every action had a cause & Disastrous effect

He was a child genius

But a fly got in the ointment

And this little young Einstein

Became an adult disappointment

Disasters loomed, more substances consumed

But had an idea which millions would consume

Eye on the prize, wanted to be idolised

Dreamed of retiring on a million dollar franchise

Work shy,, barely scraped by

An the place where he lived was a dilapidated pig sty

Dreams shatters, body felt battered

Self gratification was the only thing that mattered.

He was a child genius

But a fly got in the ointment

And this little young Einstein

Became an adult disappointment

Health got worse, felt his life was a curse

All his bad habits so hard to reverse

Felt so alone, cut off his mobile phone

Added to that, he put on nearly four stones

Suicide beckoned, that’s the answer he reckoned

When it came to life he came in a poor Second

Jumped off a boat, No chance he could float

Sank to the depths and that’s all she wrote.,

Inky Grandad

CHORus

My Skin is like leather

Left out in the sun

Every tattoo tells a story

of all I ever done

Some I’ve regret

And some I love in equal measure

So many were painful

but that’s half the pleasure.

This i got in Burma

And that one in Singapore

Those were made in HongKong

That one was bloody sore

Then on board a trawler

Met a man who inked another

With a needle in his fist

Drew this, of my mother

Two months in Malaysia

Where a catholic priest created this

Its Two bulldogs at A WALL

They’re HAVING A PISS

we dropped anchor in Japan

Land of the rising sun

I shacked up with a Geisha

Who inked this coloured one

Below this, a strange thing

Hard to see it in this light

But I got it after winning

an Indonesian bar fight

And, this one on my neck

She’s a former sweetheart

Worked in the Dirty free shop

IN the airport in Stuttgart.

This ones a favourite

Got it in Jakarta

Meant to be Muhammad Ali

Looks a bit like Jimmy Carter

MIDDLE 8 rap LYRICS

‘One & Only ‘ for Nicole Scherzinger

I’m premier league topping

See those eyes are a popping

Damn right - Top of the bill

show no evidence of stopping

I command your attention

Not beyond your comprehension

realise I’m really something

There’s no misapprehension

The times right, its crystal clear

We both know why we are here

buckle up - sit tight

Couldn’t be more sincere

I know what I want tonight

Ecstasy by candlelight

But do me the courtesy

Of saying my Name right

Alternative Version

I’m premier league topping

See those eyes are a popping

Damn right - Top of the bill

show no evidence of stopping

I command your attention

Not beyond your comprehension

realise I’m really something

There’s no misapprehension

I’m thrilled and excited

All my nerves - expedited

There’s High anticipation

As My passion gets ignited

You can ruffle up my feathers

In whatever kind of weather

Cos honey its like heaven

As we Conjoin together

For Sky Movie ‘Christmas Number 1’

‘Maximum Pleasure’

Turn the knob to the max And listen to the facts

That there words that Im singing

Bout pleasure I’ll be bringing

Fast cars, fine times

Hot love, chilled wines

And I;ll steal your heart

I’m gonna make you mine

Once I was poor from a dead end street

But I’m mixing it up- in the uppermost elite

And when I look to the future

Like a witchy soothsayer

I see us shining bright

On The topper most Layer

Alternative Version

First class down to St Tropez

Private jets, chauffeured limo, caviar all the the way

We’ll be dancing in the moonlight

Over looking the sea

DJ spinning our tune as you dance with me

Ill give you it all - that

Maximum pleasure -

like the seats in my Rari -

They’re soft beige leather

So sit back - and enjoy the ride

You were born for this life - that cannot be denied

For Sky Movie ‘Christmas Number 1’

‘Xmas Miracle’

We ain’t wrapping it up like some schmaltz by Disney

Don’t question it or we’ll be coming down your chimney

As you listen to these words,

You know they’re so lyrical

So tangible

yes we’re Praying for a miracle

Its a time for sharing some seasonal banter

But I’m far more real than some toy store Santa

Lets make it a time

‘ For charity and recompense

Things we need more than myrrh and frankincense

Alternative Version

Yes yes

Look at my garms,

Ani’t dressed like no peasant

I’m killing it, I’m smart

your greatest Christmas present

I represent the miracle you desired

More swagger than Santa, and more admired

I won’t Be twisting up the truth - I won’t give you no reason

To doubt me and I’ll spice up your season

You know I’ve paid my dues

I’ll say that in my defence

Let me shower you with gold

Leave out the frankincense.

Three Songs for Austrian project

Thank Fuck Its Christmas

A wise man - once said to me

What a time to be alive and to exist

He was clearly talking nonsense

Or maybe there was something that I missed

Cos this has been my worst year

I lost my job and I’m losing my hair

I was on course to being very very rich

Now i’m getting used to government welfare.

And when it feels like I’m pissing in the wind

I remind myself that I’m very thick skinned and

‘Thank FUCK its Christmas…….

Lets all live as one

Thank FUCK its Christmas……

Good joy to everyone……’

Cos my ex wife posted a picture

Its there on her Facebook and instagram feed,

Now all our friends and family

They’re laughing at me in my hour of need

And she visited me in the dead of night

I found her downstairs graffiting on my walls

I begged with her to stop it at once

But she looked at me and kicked me hard in the balls

I’ll sing this song now my chips are down

I’lll sing it to mask my nervous breakdown

‘Thank FUCK its Christmas…….

Lets all live as one

Thank FUCK its Christmas……

Good joy to everyone……’

The interest rates are rising

There’s monkey pox and covid and SARS

And strange smooth-faced multi billionaires

Trying to build a house on Jupiter or mars

But when its all looking very very bleak

I’ll hold my head up and I’ll shriek

‘Thank FUCK its Christmas…….

Lets all live as one

Thank FUCK its Christmas……

Good joy to everyone……’

Are You Having the Time of Your Life?

I was alone on the sand

Feeling hot, getting tanned

When I heard someone whisper to me

I opened my eyes

It was quite a surprise

A goddess walked out of the sea

She was tall , Had it all

I was completely enthralled

By this world class enticing brunette

And I answer to her

She just smiled and she purred

These words I ‘ll never forget

CHORUS

I’ll make you stand up

While you’re lying down

Whoa

Cos I;’ll ride you til the morning

Stop Yawning

You make me stand up

I’m still lying down

Check me out I know how to flaunt it

Don’t be shy you know I also want it

I will work you like a glove puppet

Use my hands - shove ‘em right up it

I’m having the time of my life,,,,,,,

I begged her to stay

She just smiled and said ‘Hey

You know that you cannot resist’

And it was all her conceit

To get between the sheets

There was no turning back since that kiss

There were moments with her

it was a bit of a blur

There were things that were totally weird

There was a tattoo and rash

I was suffering whiplash

And my hair down below had been sheared.

CHORUS

Yodle Dodle Boogie Man

Where I’m from, Its paradise

They’ll have you believe

Used to call it home

But could’t wait to leave

I boarded a plane

Never once looked back

And my life has so hectic

Never had to unpack

Is the life that I live

The life I’ve chosen

And before you ask

I’ve never worn leiderhosen

Chorus

So lets all get High

Get out of our minds

I’m the YodelDodle Boogie Man

I’m going all Night

Get out of your tree

So you too can see

I’m a yodl doodle boogie man

Come party with me

Went to the States

Arrived at LAX

Check in at the Chatueau

And I ordered some sex

I think there was a mix up

what arrived was weird

A lady wrapped in tin foil

She was sporting a beard

I called them back up

And said nothing was right

They said keep the bearded lady

You’ve paid for the night.

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